The South Park Kidnappings
by Kenny's Goddess
Summary: The illustrious, unfinished, original. Probably the funniest, stupidest thing ever written. :P Co-written with my friend Robyn.


The South Park Kidnappings  
  
By: Robyn Spain and Cassie Manley  
  
5…4…3…2…and action!  
  
Stanley Marsh (Blue hat boy) was walking alone, pondering about his homosexual (or "gay") dog, Sparky of the enjoying other male dog clan. It was unusual for him to be walking alone, he was usually with his friends the always practical Kyle Broslofski (a fucking Jew, man!), Kenny McCormick (will he live through this story? Da Da Daa), and perhaps…maybe Eric Cartman. (He is a real fat ass.) "I'm not fat, I'm big boned" is an excuse he uses often. (And "I'm beautiful on the inside" is some thing all fat asses use for an excuse to be a total couch potato.) When Cartman (that's what his "friends" call him) walks down the street, people stop and say, "Goddamn! That's a big fat fuck! He probably can't fit through his own fucking doorway! His family had to rebuild their house just so he can fit through the damn doorway! God!" Anyway, Stan (blue hat boy) was walking and doesn't know that there is a Big Scary Man standing right behind him. Da Da Daaa! Anyway, the Big Scary Man Da Da Daaa first grabbed Sparky of the enjoying other male dog clan. Then the Big Scary Man Da Da Daaa grabbed Stan (blue hat boy)! Oh no! The Big Scary Man took them to his hideout. The Big Scary Man sends the mayor a RANSOM note from the Big Scary Man. The note read:  
  
If U eevr want 2 C Stanley Marsh (BLUE HAT BoY) EeVr again, then send me 100 billion dollars! That's an order!  
  
Sined,  
  
1 THE BIG SCARY MAN  
  
(DA DA DAAAA)  
  
The mayor was scared, but since this was a small mountain town and news was scarce, she decided to announce it on T.V.  
  
ON T.V. LATER THAT DAY  
  
"Stanley Marsh (the boy in the blue hat) and his homosexual dog, Sparky of the enjoying other male dog clan, were kid and dognapped earlier today and may be in danger as we are speaking. I would…"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Wendy Testaburger (Stanley Marsh's GIRLFRIEND tee-hee). "My poor Stanley! NO! We have to save him! SOB!"  
  
"Wendy! Shut the fuck up you fat bitch! Stan can eat my boxer shorts!" yelled Cartman (fat ass).  
  
"Cartman you fat fucking ass! You shut yer hole! Goddamn it! My Stanley is out there and you're talking about your Goddamn underwear! You're a fucking loser! Don't fuck with Wendy Testaburger!"  
  
"Cartman, you fat fuck! When you walk down the street people look over and say, goddamn, that's a big FAT FUCK!" The always practical Kyle (Jew boy) exclaimed.  
  
"I'm NOT fat, I'm getting in shape! Damn it!"  
  
"Mrmph, mmrrr, mrrmph, mrrmph, mphr!" Kenny said.  
  
"Yes I do believe you're righto there Kenny. What's underneath that orange coat of yours?" cried Pip (the Frenchie, might I add he has the hots for Kenny).  
  
"???????" Kenny screamed.  
  
"Come on! I am the Devil's son! You will obey me! I am the commander of this 'search party' of yours," said Damien (son of a... the Devil.). "Cartman! You go west, find Big Gay Al, and ask about Sparky of the enjoying other male dog clan! Kyle and Kenny you go north and see if you can reach North Park and go through Middle Park! Me and…ah Wendy We'll go East! We'll meet at Kenny's card… I mean house in 5 hours. Kyle and Kenny! You hitch hike a lot and you'll probably make it! Kay? Now then, everyone got it? Good then go!" cried Damien (son of a… the Devil). Cartman went west. The Big Scary Man started to follow him. Cartman was about halfway to Big Gay Al's (he stopped to rest every ten minutes or so.) The Big Scary Man was very quiet. He crepped up on Cartman while he was asleep under a pine tree. (It had a smell that was thick with urine) The Big Scary Man grabbed Cartman. (He was very hard to hold since he is so fat! He is one fat fuck!) The Big Scary Man taked Cartman back to his hideout. (Where he was keeping Stan and Sparky of the enjoying other male dog clan.) In defense, Cartman let out a real stink bomb out of his asshole!  
  
"Oh God!" the Big Scary Man said in a high pitched voice. (To disguise his own.)  
  
"Whoa! Dude! Cartman! Have you come to save me?"  
  
"No dumbass! I was captured!" The Big Scary Man wrote another RANSOM note to the mayor. Da da daaaaaaaaa! It read:  
  
1.1 IF U EEVR WANT 2 C ERIC CARTMAN (BIG FAT ASS) EEVR AGAIN SEND me 100 BILLION DOLLARS!  
  
SINED,  
  
THE BIG SCARY MAN  
  
(Da Da Daaa)  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
"STAN! SPARKY OF THE ENJOYING OTHER MALE DOG CLAN! Where are you?" cried the always practical Kyle. "Come on! The Big Scary Man can eat my boxers!"  
  
"(Translated to English) Kyle! That ain't going to do anything! They're probably tied up and have socks shoved in their mouths! Dumbass! Poor Stanley. (Who cares?)"  
  
They were about halfway to Middle Park now. They hadn't found a car to hitch hike with (mountains, you know?). They heard a rattling sound. RATTLE! RATTLE! RATTLEY RATTLE! All of a sudden, Chef (chef at local Elementary School who wants to FUCK all of the ladies) pulled up.  
  
"Watch out Chef! (Translated from the language of Kenny)"  
  
Kenny let out a big Xena-like war cry, took the whip from his belt, and whipped the snake with it! He cut it in half with the whip. RATTLE RAT…T…LE RAT…T…LE R… The snake died right then and there and they all ate it.  
  
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!" said Kenny.  
  
"Hello there children. My Kenny, that was one astonishing show of courage on your part! This snake is better than my Salisbury steak! But, why are you so far from South Park?" (Obviously, he had not heared the news)  
  
"Chef haven't you heard? The Big Scary Man has kidnapped Stan and Sparky of the enjoying other male dog clan! Damn it!" cried a now frantic always practical Kyle.  
  
"(Translated from mumbled speak.) What the hell Kyle! You are fucking dumbass! Get over it you pansy! Chef, will you give us a ride to Middle Park please? Please! It is imperative to our search for Mr. Stanley Marsh," cried Kenny.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you? What the hell does imperative mean?" cried Chef.  
  
"(From Kenny's…language) I have no fucking clue man!"  
  
"Well hop in." they did. Although they didn't know that in truth, the Big Scary Man had adultnapped Chef and stolen his car. The Big Scary Man dressed up like Chef and impersonated him. Not exactly knowing the way to Middle Park, the always practical Kyle and Kenny just trusted the Big Scary Man about the way. The Big Scary Man rolled up the windows and locked them. The always practical Kyle and Kenny knowed something was up because it was 95 fucking degrees out there! In addition, both of them knew that Chef's air conditioning didn't work.  
  
"Let's jump!" the always practical Kyle whispered to Kenny.  
  
"Mrmph!" he replied! (Meaning O.K.)  
  
"1…2…3…NOW!" They crashed out of the windows! Oh My God! Kenny's damage was that he got a scratch on his knee. Oh My God! The always practical Kyle on the other hand…oh God! He sprained his ankle, suffered from memory loss (just kidding), and had many cuts and abrasions all over his body. He couldn't move. Da da Daaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
"Kenny! Go! Leave me! Don't get your fucking self caught! Find the others! Get help!" said the always practical Kyle.  
  
"(Translated from Kenny's… coconut language) No! I can't leave you! He'll get you! If you get caught, I get caught too! Goddamn it! NO! I can't let you get caught! I'm staying here! On the other hand, you could try to come with me! Come on! Get up!"  
  
"NNNNOOOOOOOOO! Goddamn it Kenny! Get the hell out of here! Now! Save yourself! I have a cell phone! Go!" he cried. He didn't really have a cell phone, but Kenny was worried so he said he did.  
  
"(Also translated from the Coconut) Alright if you insist!" Kenny gived the always practical Kyle a hug before leaving. AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW! "I'll miss you! May God go with you! My blessings upon thee! Byeee!" Kenny said. He went into hiding. He went up a tree, put on an orange loincloth (also with his detachable hood on his head), and found a vine to swing from. (It was a good thing that he had taken those vine-swinging lessons from Wayne Gretsky, the famous hockey player) Just as the Big Scary Man da da daaa was about to run over the always practical Kyle, Kenny came out swinging and screaming aah ah hahhahahahahahahahahahah! (Just like the lucky George of the Jungle) He grabbed the always practical Kyle just in time, but he dropped him into a hole in the roof leading to the rest of the boys' imprisonment.  
  
"Goddamn it! Fuck me in the goat ass! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Damn it! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Fuck me! NNNNNNNOOOOOO! Kyle! NO! Fuck!" (In the coconut language!) Kenny cried in a rather loud voice.  
  
"Kenny! Watch out for that…ooooooohhhhhhhh…tree!" exclaimed the always practical Kyle after Kenny had hit the tree and been knocked unconscious. That was how the Big Scary Man (or the Man Dressed in Black with a question mark on face) got Kenny. The Big Scary Man (Man Dressed in Black with a question mark on face) wrote one RANSOM note for three people! It said:  
  
IF U WANT 2 C chef, the always practical Kyle broslofski, AND Kenny McCorMICK (ALIVE) EEVR AGAIN, THEN SEND ME 300 BILLION Dollars!  
  
SINED,  
  
1.1.1 The Big Scary Man  
  
a.k.a.  
  
MAN DRESSED IN BLACK WITH QUESTION MARK ON FACE  
  
(DA DA DAAA!)  
  
At the hideout  
  
"What the hell! Now only Damien, Wendy, and Pip are left! Fuck! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" cried Cartman. "Hey I want cheesy poofs! WWWAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the always practical Kylein a muffled voice.  
  
"What the hell Kenny!? Why are you screaming OW and where the hell is your jacket? Why are you wearing a fucking loincloth? You fuck!" cried Chef.  
  
"(Translated) It wasn't me! I'm wearing this because I saved Kyle through vine-swinging lessons from Wayne Gretsky the famous hockey player! I knew they would come in handy some day! Thank you Wayne Gretsky the famous hockey player! I love you! MAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"What? No comment Kenny! Anyway, speaking of Kyle, where is he? I thought you dropped him in here KENNY! Dick head!" Cartman cried.  
  
"Fuck you, you asshole cheesy poof eating lazy ass dick! At least I wasn't fucking sleeping when he caught me!!!! I was unconscious! That doesn't count! At least I made the effort to save Kyle!" (Translated from Kenny speech) Kenny screamed.  
  
"OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed the always practical Kyle now suffocating, Cartman just farted! "Cartman! Get the hell off of me! You fat fucking fuck! Now! Get off of me! Please!" his cry muffled from Cartman.  
  
"Cartman! Get up!" cried Stan.  
  
"Bark!" cried Sparky of the Enjoying Other Male Dog Clan.  
  
"Why?" he cried with feeling in his voice.  
  
"I think, for some…odd reason that you are sorta, kinda, in a…demented sort of way…um…kind of…um…you know…um…" cried Stan.  
  
"You're crushing Kyle you fucking moron! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!" Kenny screamed as sort of a cry.  
  
"Oh. Well in that case… help me up!" cried Cartman.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" The always practical Kyle cried in a feeling of completed and totaled relief. "My ankle! It be broken or something! I feel pain from all over my body (deeeeeeeeppp breath) all because of you" he said trying not to swear and to be calm. (Deeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppp breath) He pointed at Cartman. "You can… FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK YYYYYYYYOOOOOOOUUUUUUURRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSEEEEELLLLLLLLFFFFFFFFFFFFF!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. The door opened and Wayne Gretsky the famous hockey player was thrown in.  
  
"Damn it all to high hell! Fuck you! Go to hell and die!" he cried. "Hey Chef, Boys! What're y'all doin' here?" said he.  
  
"Hhhhhhmmmmmm…Let me think. Hey guys! Were we all kidnapped or what?" cried The always practical Kyle.  
  
"NNNNOOOOOOOO! We couldn't have been!" cried Stan. "Could we??!!"  
  
The Big Scary Man wrote another RANSOM note for Wayne Gretsky the famous hockey player. It read:  
  
IF U EeVr WANT 2 C WAYNE GRETSKY THE FAMOUS HOCKEY PLAYER EeVr AGAIN THEN SEND ME 200 bILLION DOLLARS!  
  
SINED,  
  
1.1.2 THE BIG SCARY MAN  
  
A.K.A.  
  
MAN DRESSED IN BLACK WITH QUESTION MARK ON FACE  
  
(DA DA DAAA!)  
  
  
  
P.S. YOU NOW OWE ME 700 BILLION dollars! PAY BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE! MY TRIGGER FINGER IS GETTING JUMPY! I'm a killing maniac! Killing is fun!!!!!!!! You should try it some time! I'm telling you it's the most relaxing thing I've ever tried  
  
"Damn this sucks!" said the mayor after she received RANSOM notes for many more South Parkians. "Fuck!"  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
"Where are they? They were supposed to be here an hour or two ago! Where could they be?" cried Wendy taking a sip of her "coffee" or "hot water."  
  
"I have no idea. Oh well let us go see Jesus. What time is it? Oh Jesus and Pals is on, let us go on the show!" Damien goes to Wendy's house to use the phone (the McCormick's don't have a phone poor sons of bitches!)  
  
"I heard that! We aren't poor we're just money declined is all. You narrating, poor English speaking, cock sucking son of a bitch! We aren't poor; we just…um…live on the love we have for one another! You got that you fucking son of cunt-licking bitch! You fucking narrator type person!" said Mrs. McCormick.  
  
"Well I have half a mind to say all of the stuff I want about you! What the heck! I am the nare-a-tor! You can't fight with the nare-a-tor! It is illegalizded or something! I am the nare-a-tor! I read what's on the cue card! Not that I wouldn't ADD that you poor son of a gun. To heck with you!" said me, the Nare-a-tor!  
  
"(Translated from mumbled speech) Mom! Are you fighting with Nare-a-tor Man again? I told you to calm your fu…er…self down! Got it mom?"  
  
"Alright hon." His mom said to him.  
  
"(Translated) Wait a minute…aren't we the sons of cunt lickers, mom?" said Kenny wisedly.  
  
Anyway, they goed to Wendy's house.  
  
"Hello? Like producer of like Jesus and Pals? Can like we like go on the like show? We need like advice from like Jesus," asked Wendy.  
  
"Yes. We have many openings here for you. Kay? Come right on down and jooiiiinnnnnn us. He he he."  
  
"Like, Okay! We'll like be there like okay? Like in like half an hour or like something like that like okay?" said Wendy.  
  
"Stop it you whore! Like my name is like Wendy like Testaburger. I'm like a big like fat like whore! Hee, hee, hee!" said Damien totally making fun of Wendy.  
  
"Like shut up and like junk like that and like I'm not like a like whore and like junk! I'm like a like human being! Like Goddamn you!" she cried in her gay little voice. "Mom! Like Damien and I are like going to the like Jesus and like Pals set! Like is that like okay? Like if it's like not, then like we're like going anyway! Like see ya!" she said to her mother.  
  
On the way to Jesus and Pals (on the bus!)  
  
"Get on we're running late!" Mrs. Crabtree (fat dirty bus driving hog) the bus driver yelled at them.  
  
"Shut up you fat bitch!" said Damien.  
  
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"  
  
"I said…Stan's in a fettish."  
  
"Well he certainly is. Now GET THE HELL ON THIS BUS OR WE'LL LEAVE WITHOUT YOU! DAMN IT!" Damien let Wendy go first. AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW!  
  
On the set of Jesus and Pals  
  
"Now we have a two very special guests coming up next. They are two of our very own South Park kids! Wendy Testaburger and ah…her friend. Wendy? …um…Kid? Come on in! You're the next contestants on the Price is Right!" said Jesus (heavenly being) the host of Jesus and Pals.  
  
"Like hi Jesus! How's like your like father? Is he like granting like wishes or like whatever he like does?" said Wendy (only brown haired ditz) when she walked on and sat down. "Like Damien come on!"  
  
"DAMIEN?" cried Jesus. "WHAT IN DAD'S NAME IS DAMIEN DOING HERE?"  
  
"Like Jesus! Be like the like saintly person that like you like are and like just like because like Damien like is like the like son of like the like Devil like doesn't like matter! Like okay?" Wendy said.  
  
"HOW CAN I BE THE ADULT WHEN THAT LITTLE BASTARD'S FATHER HAS GIVEN MY FAMILY HELL FOR THE LAST TWO ETERNITIES!" Jesus screamed at the top of his lungs.  
  
"I can't help it if the Devil screwed my mother, and I came out of it, it's not my fault!" Damien retorted.  
  
(Deeeeeepppppp breath) "Okay…I understand…(deeeeepppp breath) let's get on with the show." Jesus said, trying so hard to stay calm, and barely succeeding. "Well, children, why doth thou cometh to thy friend? What doth thou needeth?" Jesus asked.  
  
"Like, we need like some like….um like what's like that word Damien?" Wendy asked.  
  
"Could it be…advice?" Damien said sarcastically.  
  
"Yeah! Hee-hee! That's it! We need like, advice!" Wendy exclaimed.  
  
"About what, doth thou needeth advice?" asked Jesus.  
  
"We need advice about this person we call the Big Scary Man." Damien said.  
  
"Who is that, your father?" Jesus replied.  
  
"No, you fucking asshole! He's this guy that kidnaps people, takes them to somewhere, and does things to them! You have to help us, Jesus!" Damien exclaimed, panic-stricken.  
  
"My FUCKING BOYFRIENDS there! You HAVE to help us!" Wendy screamed. "Not only do they have Stanley, they have Chef, Wayne Gretsky the famous hockey player, Eric Cartman, Kyle Broslofski, Kenny McCormick, and Sparky of the enjoying other male dog clan! What should we do? Shouldn't we like be calling the National Guard or something? Gee! Maybe it was…the boys from Middle or North Park!"  
  
"Umm…well…you shouldn't report it, or call the National Guard, that's too risky. You should come with me, cause I can help you search for them." Jesus replied. Suddenly Jesus and Pals was interrupted by an important message from the mayor!  
  
"This just in! Jesus has been kidnapped! We just got a RANSOM note for his return. Although he is only worth $20! I guess the Big Scary Man isn't a Catholic! Ha! Ha! Ha! Anyway, here is a copy of the RANSOM note we received from him:  
  
If you eevr want 2 C Jesus Christ eevr give me a 20 dollar bill. One of those new ones!  
  
Sined,  
  
The big scary man!  
  
(da da daaaa)  
  
"WHAT?" Damien and Wendy screamed simultaneously.  
  
"Let us get out of here Wendy!" cried Damien. They started running.  
  
"My house Damien! Hurry!" cried Wendy. They barely managed to get to her house in time. They ran into the house, slammed door in the face of the Big Scary Man, and locked it.  
  
"That was like, way too like close for me, like you get it?" Wendy said.  
  
"Now we know that he has Jesus too! We have to be careful about who we talk to. Wendy, I know it's hard for you to be serious but try, but we can't say a word about this to anyone, okay?" Damien said.  
  
"Like, whatever you like say, Damien, you're like the boss or whatever!" Wendy exclaimed.  
  
"Dad help me," Damien said to himself.  
  
"Wendy, are you losing weight? You look good!" Damien said.  
  
"Are you saying I was FAT!" Wendy screamed.  
  
"No, I'm saying you look good." Damien retorted.  
  
"Oh. O.K. then, whatever!" Wendy said. "So do you."  
  
"You're not still interested in Stan, are you?" Damien asked cunningly.  
  
"Well…I guess so. Why?" Wendy asked suspiciously.  
  
"'Cause Stan is an ass and he's cheating on you with Bebe," Damien replied.  
  
"WHAT!" Wendy cried out in anguish.  
  
"I saw them making out in a telephone booth!" Damien replied. "It was all steamy on the inside."  
  
"OH NOOOOOO!" Wendy screamed at the top of her lungs. "Waaaaahhhhhhh!"  
  
Damien put his arm around her shoulder. "Sorry Wendy. If you need someone to talk to…" Damien said.  
  
"I'll talk to Kyle." Wendy finished for him.  
  
"Arrgghh! No…I was saying you could talk to me!" Damien said as calmly as he could.  
  
"Oohhhhh!! Like, okay, whatever!" Wendy said.  
  
"Wendy…um…will you…um…like…um…like…you know…like…um…like…go out with me?" asked Damien in a shy voice.  
  
"Um…sure? I guess so or whatever!" Wendy replied.  
  
"YYYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I scored! Yes! Wendy is my GIRLFRIEND! YYYYEEEESSSS!" cried Damien.  
  
"CUT GODDAMN IT! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK? WHY IS DAMIEN GETTING MY GIRL? STOP! DAMN IT! SHE'S MY GIRL NOT DAMIEN'S!" screamed Stan.  
  
"Like get over it Stan, this is like a fucking movie! It isn't real!  
  
"Make-up!" cried the director...Will Smith. "Getting Jiggy wit it. Na na na na na na na. Na na na na na na!"  
  
"Damn it! Guys don't wear make-up! Hey! Is this a smoke break? How about cheesy poofs?" asked the big fat fuck Cartman.  
  
"(Coconut!) Yeah! I need a smoke! However, I lost my lighter! DAMN IT ALL TO HIGH HELL! Now Mr. Cartman. May I borrow…note, NOT steal…your lighter. You will get it back Mr. Cartman (HA! Ha! Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha!)" said Kenny.  
  
"Fuck you! I only have a little lighter fluid left! To fuck with you! Who do you think you are you shit! My lighter! Not yours! Fuck yourself in the goat's ass!" cried Cartman.  
  
"CCCCUUUUUTTTTTT!" cried Stan. "Oh sorry…habit you know?"  
  
"Fuck you Stanley Marsh!" said the Big Scary Man. We cannot let you know who is playing the Big Scary Man quite yet, but never fear, we will! Anyway.  
  
One thing you need to realize is that all of the characters in this are the same South Parkians, just a lot older! I guess South Parkians never show age or grow!  
  
"I need a sensitive guy! A guy whose not afraid to cry!" said Wendy.  
  
"HA!!! HA!!! HA!!! HA!!! HA!!! HA!!! HA!!! HA!!!" said Cartman laughing out loud in a very loud manner. "That's funnier 'n shit! Ha ha ha! That's so funny! Cry…ha! Ha! Ha! A guy…ha ha ha! Cries…ha ha ha!! So funny! Shit I peed myself!" laughed Cartman hysterically.  
  
"Fuck you, you fat tub of shit! You're ten gallons of shit in a five gallon bucket!!" Wendy cried. Meanwhile the only one crying was Damien…tears of laughter!  
  
"Wendy, you loser! You suck ass! A guy who cries… I'm laughing so hard I'm crying!" Damien cried.  
  
"Well. Wendy. I'm afraid you kind of…um…you know…" said Wayne Gretsky, the famous hockey player.  
  
"Just spit it out man," said Kenny.  
  
"Alright. You need mental help you cunt licking whore! What the fucking hell!" said Wayne Gretsky the famous hockey player.  
  
"Yeah you're fucking gay just like me and Sparky of the enjoying other male dog clan," said Elton John.  
  
"Alright people. Let's get on with the show. Right fucking NOW!!!!!! Getting' jiggy wit' it! Wicked wicked wild wild west"  
  
"Wait I never got my ciggy! Let me smoke one!"  
  
"Have your fucking cigarette, see if I care! Just as long as you're getting jiggy wit it!" Will Smith…the director said.  
  
"SWWWWWEEEEEEETTTTT!!" Cartman replied.  
  
5……4……3……2……1…..Action!  
  
Mrs. Cartman (town bicycle/doorknob/hardware store) was in her kitchen cookeding some pot pie, and crying over her lost son.  
  
"No…kitty, kitty….that's Cartman's……….waaaaahhhhhhhh!!!" she cried in anguish.  
  
She put the pot pie in the oven as the Big Scary Man came from behind and grabbed her. After viciously raping her, not that she minded or anything, he tooked her to his hideout! Da da daa!  
  
"What the fuck! Mooommm! Did you bring some cheesy poofs? I want them!" said Cartman when the Big Scary Man had thrown her into the secret room.  
  
"Sorry Eric dear. I haven't got any cheesy poofs. Kitty ate them all, knowing that you were probably gone for good!" and she then got all…um…er…what would be a word to describe it…um…emotional? No…mushy? Yes that's that word and started to kiss and hug her son. AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
"Moooommmmmm!!!!!!!!! Get the fuck away from me!!!" Cartman cried.  
  
"AAAWWWW!!! Ain't that sweet!? Oh Cartman you're so cute!" said Kenny in his mumbled speech.  
  
"Shut up Kenny! Or I'll fart in your hood thingy!" retorted Cartman.  
  
"STOP IT YOU FUCKS! Look! We need to do something…and fast!" said the always practical Kyle. "We need a plan! I have a plan. I just don't know what it is…" said he.  
  
"Oh darn! I do believe that man is…um never mind!" said (Oh God) Pip, the Frenchie. "Hi Kenny!"  
  
"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU TRISEXUAL MALE WHORE! YOU'RE EVEN MORE OF A WHORE THEN MRS. CARTMAN IS!!!!!!!" screamed Kenny making his hood steam up! He took out a handkerchief and wiped his hood.  
  
"All right. I get the point! My mom is doe who can't keep legs together! Bear with really wide canyon! At least she gets paid!!!!!" cried Cartman in anguish. Kenny glared at him.  
  
After that, there was only laughter…except from the always practical Kyle. (and Cartman of course and his mom) The always practical Kyle was sitting with a stick in one hand and…well nothing in the other, but there were many calculations scratched into the dirt floor.  
  
"What are you doing?" asked Kenny.  
  
"I'm calculating; coming up with a plan of escape. We have to get out of here!" he said with passion in his voice.  
  
"Well in the name of DAD! What have you got so far Kyle?" asked Jesus (heavenly being).  
  
"Well…actually, well, the square root of five is the estimated velocity that which we have to engrave an aperture for our escape."  
  
"Does that mean dig a hole?" asked all of them.  
  
"No. It doesn't. It means…it means…"  
  
"Pickle!" cried Cartman.  
  
"How can you think of food at a time like this? You fat fuck!" cried the famous hockey player Wayne Gretsky.  
  
"No pickle!" he cried and pointed. A giant dill pickle was coming right for them.  
  
"It's comin' right for us! Shoot it Ned!" but there was no need to shoot it, the always practical Kyle was some how conversing with it.  
  
"E.T. phone home!" said the always practical Kyle.  
  
"A;;lvkalkjevjajdlfjanvjakjelmlkvjaojelkn;lvjoajldjl;fjnasl;vkj;asjedlfkmna; ljvlakjfjaso;dl;vn;lajksd;ljflknvb;asjefjsla;hjvopsaiflsajv;ijaejf;lsnvasdhf snv;kjshdfsv;lha;od;f;zhvoaj;ou;lkrjlansv;aisydto;h;osd7agv;lakjfplsjflskjf; saf;slknv;ajsuhf;ha;lkhv;kjykahsd;kjh:::JJJJGGHfkljhdflkjha;vjlas;hav;ah;gha ;kvh;alkgf;shbv;kajsfh;ksajdfAShfashflashvksjafh" cried the pickle.  
  
"I understand. Well. I guess I can't help you. I'm sorry. If I could do anything, anything at all I would. I'm very sorry," said the always practical Kyle sympathetically. "I'm pretty sure they sell them at the store though."  
  
"Uoakjv;oi;ajmlv;jajl;jd;fjlav;ojal;jfavlj;asfljsl;fj;snv;ljgo;g sadfhvn;sagfsjvl;sajfgl;sfj asljf;ajv'lsaugjvo;ajskjgjasl fsa;fj;sdjg;asoijgoasjg;oasjgsajb;fuckoasjtg;sajg;sijg;aowitro;iufsjdglksajf ;ojgvlsjaf;oisa;asjfosjvl;asiurojv;lja;oistu!" he said.  
  
"I didn't think giant dill pickles needed condoms!!" he answered.  
  
"WWWWWHHHHHHAAAAATT!!!!!!!!!" cried all of the South Parkians present.  
  
"He wanted some condoms."  
  
"Alkjflaj;;lajvljanwo;fj'alskjenvlkgpoq'lkfhgsv;odsjv;odajgldfligas;ogvhbasj dhgo;ashfv;aosdhgxkjnb;asoiuht'jg;oaxsdjg'oiagh;kasdhgo;asidhf;jbv;kajshf;nv ;ahoig.lfuckjdg;oangblsdng;iaudfhg'l;zdnb;isdhv;oiheaf;a;lvja;lsjgo;sdjg;asj dfg;lkjasf;oasndg;lhdfg;lnasdfg;lijhsdfjbvahokghgfhASDFvasnbmguasd;lmngunsar ecoolbiokzxgdsuyjfiughyeivngoehughyfbnvkjdoifhfgjfighfuvjdshitrjr69gtjgjsdio gjsoigj'lfkgndjog'spdj69696969ja;loajvljiaovijo;aijds;ijgfjavoiajgjgboj;oija eorgajgpo13ohapoofo;ahgorg;oi69ja;lvj;ajf;ojv;ona;kjajkvls;akjvlajolkvn;laj; ojd;ojad;j;kajodfjonagirlafajv;oaj;ojiv;oaijaa;lkjlvkn;lafuckagirlkj;lnb;lja ;lelkag;lkjajv;lasjfoassjfgjhsd;dinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdink dinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdinkdink dinkdinkdinklfa" said the pickle.  
  
"Riiigggghhhtt…" said Kyle.  
  
Suddenly a totally strange girl was thrown in with them.  
  
"Why did you put me in here? I want to go back to my home. To my dad, Adam Sandler." she said in a really cool English accent, unlike Pip, who had a gay ass English accent.  
  
"Who the hell are you?" asked Kenny.  
  
"Maybe your mother cheated on your father with a warthog! You certainly have a warthog's looks, personality, and stupidity! My name is Lily Sandler and as soon as my father finds out I'm missing he'll be VERY upset! Let me go!" she screamed at the Big Scary Man.  
  
"Like I said, who the hell are you?" asked Kenny again.  
  
"Oh. I'm Lily Sandler. Who are you?" she asked him. "And what's up with the loincloth?"  
  
"McCormick. Kenny McCormick," said Kenny, "Don't ask about the loincloth."  
  
"Ok. Who are all of you?" she asked, in her English voice.  
  
"I'm Cartman. Eric Cartman, people call me Eric Cartman. Just kidding call me Cartman," he said being the JACKASS that he is.  
  
"I'm Kyle."  
  
"I'm Stan Marsh, nice to meet you. Please don't tell me I just said 'nice to meet you!"  
  
"You did. God I'm confused. Who was that guy and why did he kidnap a girl from North Park? Unless I'm mistaken you're all from South Park. How I knew that I have no idea. You look like South Parkians…I guess. You can stop my talking any time you like. Otherwise I'll ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about stuff irrelevant to the subject matter being discussed. Oh! I remember you guys! Our football team beats you every year. We're undefeated. I'm the head cheerleader for North Park! Which one's the little Jewish fellow? He was the worst!"  
  
"Ah…SHUT THE FUCK UP LILY SANDLER! God you're annoying! What the hell is all that shit with irreveelent…subjet matter shit? What ever!" said Cartman.  
  
"Our football team isn't THAT bad! Leave me out of it!" sayed Kyle.  
  
"Irrelevant means impertinent to the subject being spoken about and subject matter is the topic being discussed at that current time. Say we're talking about cows. If I say the moon is gay, that is irrelevant to cows. If you say cows have four stomachs that is relevant to the subject matter of cows. My hair! That mean guy mussed my hair! My comb was in my purse! He took my purse! Does anyone have a comb?"  
  
"Shut up you raging bitch," said Kenny.  
  
"What? You orange hooded piece of shit! Who the fuck do you think you are? You mother fucking dick sucking goddamn son of a bitching piece of shit cock sucking bastard!!!!!! I'll fucking kill you!"  
  
"You know what? Fuck you!" said Kenny  
  
"You know what? Fuck yourself! It's cheaper!"  
  
"Dude! That bitch CAN swear! Hey Kenny! She can out mouth you!" said Stan.  
  
"No she can't!"  
  
"Yes she can,"  
  
"Fuck you!"  
  
"Fuck yourself! It's cheaper!" Lily put in accidentally. "Sorry…(~cough~ you cock ~cough~ sucking bastard ~cough~)"  
  
"God I hate you Kenny," said Cartman and Lily at the same time. They looked at each other and laughed.  
  
"Hey! Wanna play truth or dare?" asked Lily.  
  
"What? Why?" asked Cartman.  
  
"'Cause it's fun! God! I take it you've never heard of me. I'll do any dare you want me to. Everyone in North AND Middle Park has heard of me. They call me the Do It All Chick."  
  
"What?" asked everyone.  
  
"Um…never mind."  
  
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The do it….ha ha ha!!" laughed Kenny.  
  
"Fuck yourself! Just stick your hands down your pants and fuck yourself!"  
  
"WHAT????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????" they all screamed.  
  
"Nothing. Sorry my mouth goes off when I don't want it to. Back home they call it the dreaded 'Can't Shut The Hell Up Disease.' I have no clue what that means, but who cares?"  
  
"No one. Lets start up this game of dare…er truth or dare."  
  
"Ok. Kenneth, truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare bitch."  
  
"I dare you to…um…take off that Goddamn hood for the rest of this five minute period." So he did. ("He's kind of cute…but…ok he's really cute!" Lily thought.)  
  
"Cartman. Truth or dare?"  
  
"Truth."  
  
"Pansy. You really did have a Goddamn tea party with a bunch of gay stuffed animals!"  
  
"NO!!! I did not have sexual relations with that woman…Ms. Lewinsky…"  
  
"What? I don't believe you! I dare you to give Wendy a kiss." So he did although he promised to kill Kenny later.  
  
"Wendy truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare! Give it your best shot you fat asshole!"  
  
"Go give Stan a blow job. I dare you!"  
  
"Cartman! The point of the game is to dare her to do something she hasn't done!"  
  
"Hey!" said Wendy.  
  
"Fine. Go flash Kenny." She took a chicken on that one. (Various chicken noises)  
  
"Stan truth…"  
  
"Dare."  
  
"Go up to the door and say to that guy 'I want to feel you. Deep inside me!'"  
  
"What? Chicken!"  
  
"Wendy that's sick!"  
  
"Kenny truth or dare?"  
  
"Hey! You didn't pick me! I haven't gone yet! Therefore you have to pick me Stan!"  
  
"She's right Stan,"  
  
"Yeah Stan,"  
  
"Sucks to be Stan,"  
  
"Blah Blah Blah Stan,"  
  
"Yada yada yada Stan,"  
  
"Fuck you all! Shut up!"  
  
"Ok Stan,"  
  
"All right Stan,"  
  
"What ever you say Stan,"  
  
"What ever floats your boat Stan,"  
  
"Lily truth or dare?"  
  
"Dare Stan,"  
  
"Go French with Kenny for a full minute. No more. No less. 90 seconds and 30 seconds are definitely out of the question."  
  
"What?" Kenny and Lily both said. "But I hate Kenny/Lily."  
  
"DO IT! If you really are the 'Do It All Chick!'" screamed Stan. So they did. After a minute neither of them stopped. A minute and thirty. Forty. Fifty. Two minutes.  
  
"Ah…Lily…you can stop now. A minute was over a minute ago!" They came up for air and resumed.  
  
"Stop kids. Break it up! Break it up! Would you like some chocolate chip cookies?" Mrs. Cartman separated the two of them.  
  
"I would!" Cartman said. "I would like some of your delicious chocolate chip cookies." They were just staring at Lily and Kenny.  
  
"One minute, NOT TWO Lily!"  
  
"Well how was I supposed to know? I can't tell time yet! You should have told me when a minute was over!"  
  
"I DID!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Stan.  
  
"No ya didn't," sayed Kenny.  
  
"Yeah. I did."  
  
"Did not," sayed Lily.  
  
"He did children. I was timing it on my brand new watch," said Chef.  
  
"Well I can't…shit."  
  
"Ya know what I think? I think ya both liked it!!" said Jesus.  
  
"Did not!" they both said. "I did not like it…it was gross…um…yeah…um riiiggghhhht…"  
  
"You guys liked it. Face it!" said Cartman.  
  
"Shut up fat boy!" said Kenny  
  
"I'm NOT fat I'm festively plump!"  
  
"Nope. You're fat." Said Kenny again  
  
"NO…" he drew a picture into the ground.  
  
  
  
--------( () )------- ---------( )}}---------  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
( * * ) }} ( (oo) )  
  
  
  
"I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! Fuck do I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman! I hate you Cartman!" screamed Lily really fast.  
  
"Ditto!" said Kenny.  
  
"Ditto you provincial putz? I'm trying to save an innocent life here!"  
  
"I'm doin' the best I can captain!"  
  
"I luv ya, always have." They laughed.  
  
"SEE?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DO LIKE LILY! AND YOU REALLY DO LIKE KENNY!" said Burt Renolds who had just been thrown in the room.  
  
"Sorry Burt. Come here," said the Big Scary Man.  
  
"Ahhh!!!!!!! Big Ugly Man…er…Big Scary Man! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Lily screamed.  
  
"You come here," said B.S.M. (Big Scary Man). He pointed at Lily.  
  
"NO!!!!!" she screamed and took out the knife she kept in her pocket.  
  
BBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
"You shot the Big Scary Man with a knife. What? Will?! What's up with that? Fix it now."  
  
"Sorry. Editing you know. One of them editors isn't getting' jiggy wit' it in the Wild Wild West."  
  
"Burt Renold's Scene Take two."  
  
""Ahhh!!!!!!! Big Ugly Man…er…Big Scary Man! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Lily screamed.  
  
"You come here," said B.S.M. (Big Scary Man). He pointed at Lily.  
  
"NO!!!!!" she screamed and took out the gun she kept in her pocket.  
  
BBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
"You shot him? Lets get out of here!" They ran out and went to South Park.  
  
"Lily I'll take you to North Park in the morning. Where will you stay in the mean time?"  
  
"She can stay at my house!" said…hmmmm…who could it be?…could it be…said Wendy.  
  
"No she can't Wendy. I hate British people," said Wendy's mom. "British people are worse then Canadians."  
  
"She is NOT staying with one of the boys."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because."  
  
"Fine! I'll…um…wait! Stan's a girl!"  
  
"HEY!!!!" said Stan.  
  
"Where is Lily going to stay? I guess she could sleep at Mrs. Cartman's house and Eric can sleep at Stan's house…"  
  
"What's up with girls not hanging out with guys? What are you fucking sexist?"  
  
"Yeah pretty much" said Cartman.  
  
"NOT you Cartman. This damn town!"  
  
"What did you say your name was?" asked Randy Marsh, Stan's dad.  
  
"Lillian (I hate that name) Lily Catherine Sandler. Why?"  
  
"Your eyes…they're purple."  
  
"So? What does that have to do with a monkey's ass? Why the hell do you fucking care? I'm going to shove your head so far up your ass you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!" All laugh.  
  
"Lily! Watch your mouth!" said all the adults present. Except Chef since he don't give a rat's ass. (H.D.G.A.R.A.)  
  
"Lily can stay with us," said Randy.  
  
"Mmmkay," said Mr. Mackey.  
  
"Are you going to tell embarrassing stories about when Stan was real little?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah. If you want you can tell the whole third grade!" sayed Randy.  
  
"Really? Cool!"  
  
"NOOOOO!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Life sucks don't it Stan?"  
  
"Why God why?"  
  
Later that night at Stan's house  
  
"And this is Stan falling off the empire state building wearing only a diaper."  
  
"DAD!" cried a red-faced Stan. "Why God why?"  
  
The next day at school  
  
"And this is Stan falling off the empire state building wearing only a diaper!"  
  
"LILY!!!" cried a red-faced Stan. "What the hell are you doing in school?"  
  
"Chef has to work and then he's taking me back to North Park."  
  
"I can't believe you're a North Parker. You look more like a…South Parkian. Or maybe one of those faggots from Middle Park," sayed Kenny.  
  
"Fuck you!" Mr. Garrison walked in then.  
  
"Who the hell are you? Mr. Hat do we know this girl?"  
  
"No Mr. Garrison."  
  
"I'm Lily. You're gay,"  
  
"North Parkers don't belong in a South Parkian school! Get out of this building now!"  
  
"No. You're still gay," They all laughed.  
  
"Fine stay. Class we have a special guest today to talk about comedy. Mr. Sandler. Please come in. Class this is Mr. Adam Sandler,"  
  
"LILY!!!" cried Adam. "What are you doing here?! I thought I dropped you off at school!"  
  
"Dad you dropped me off five minutes late for my fifth class of the day. I didn't go. Then this Big Ugly Man fucker (he's really the Big Scary Man da da daaa but still) he kidnapped me and I was thrown in a room with a bunch of South Parkians. We then proceeded to play a game of truth or dare and I ended up kissing Kenny and then the Big Fucker threw Burt Renolds in with us and said he made a mistake and let him out. I started to scream bloody murder so he tried to get me to go to where he had been standing. I screamed 'NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!' and I shot him with a knife. Then it was take two and I shot him with a gun. We ran here and I stayed with Sharon, Randy, Shelley, and Stanley Marsh. I was fighting with dick-for-a- teacher over there. Then he introduced you and you said 'LILY!!! What are you doing here?! I thought I dropped you off at school!' I said 'Dad you dropped me off five minutes late for my fifth class of the day. I didn't go. Then this Big Ugly Man fucker (he's really the Big Scary Man da da daaa but still) he kidnapped me and I was thrown in a room with a bunch of South Parkians. We then proceeded to play a game of truth or dare and I ended up kissing Kenny and then the Big Fucker threw Burt Renolds in with us and said he made a mistake and let him out. I started to scream bloody murder so he tried to get me to go to where he had been standing. I screamed 'NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!' and I shot him with a knife. Then it was take two and I shot him with a gun. We ran here and I stayed with Sharon, Randy, Shelley, and Stanley Marsh. I was fighting with dick-for-a-teacher over there. Now I'm repeating myself so stop me now or I'll go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on etc. etc. etc."  
  
"Shut up there goat," sayed Adam. "Now then let me get this straight. You, Lily the Heartless, actually KISSED a guy…from South Park? What the hell? You confuse me."  
  
"Shut up dad. It was a dare!"  
  
"Yeah! She was only supposed to for one minute and lasted for two. We all say she LIKED it! She says 'no, I lost track of time' and shit like that! Jeez! I think Kenny rather enjoyed it too!" said Stan.  
  
"Hey you look familiar kid. What the hell's your name?" Adam asked Stan.  
  
"Stanley Craig Marsh. What is it to you? (Bitch)" asked Stan.  
  
"Marsh. Marsh sounds really familiar. Oh shit. Oh fuck. Oh my God. Oh shit kickers. Holy shit. Fuck! You can't be! No! It isn't right! I made a mistake. FUCK!!!!!!!! GOD THAT BLOWS!!!!!!" he said.  
  
"What? It's not my fault my name is Marsh! Blame Canada! Dammit! It's Canada's fault! I swear!" sayed Stan.  
  
"You can shut up now, Stan!" sayed Lily.  
  
"Mr. Garrison? I'm leaving now."  
  
"But, why? You didn't even talk about comedy…"  
  
"Shut up Mr. Garrison. I'd say fuck you, but fucking yourself is cheaper."  
  
"DAD!!!!! Good one!" sayed Lily.  
  
"Lily lets go! Now,"  
  
"But, but why? I don' wanna go!"  
  
"Are we 3 or 8 Lillian?"  
  
"We're 3," she replied mockingly.  
  
"Smarten up Lillian."  
  
"~cough~ fuck you ~cough~ asshole ~cough~" Lily coughed.  
  
"Knock it the fuck off and lets GO!!!" he yelled.  
  
"Ok. Jeez! Calm down," she sayed.  
  
"Stan could you come too?" asked Adam.  
  
"Yeah! Anything's better then this class!" he exclaimed. They went to Mr. Mackey's office.  
  
Knock knock.  
  
"Who's there? Mmmkay?"  
  
"Adam and Lillian Sandler. Stanley Marsh."  
  
"Come on in! Mmmkay?" They had Stan's mom and dad come in and talk to them.  
  
"Adam Sandler? Where's our kid dick?"  
  
"Dude! Over here!" sayed Stan.  
  
"Not you provincial putz! Our other kid!"  
  
"Shelley? What'd she do now?"  
  
"Shut up Stan. Our other other kid."  
  
"What other other kid?"  
  
"What's an other other kid?" asked Lily.  
  
"I knew you looked familiar. Lily Catherine Marsh her name was. She had purple eyes and blonde hair," sayed Sharon.  
  
"Dude you had a kid with the same name as me!" sayed Lily.  
  
"She was also born on Halloween!"  
  
"And she had the same birthday as me!" sayed Lily, still not catching on.  
  
"She had a twin named Stanley Craig Marsh who had green eyes was born five minutes to twelve on Halloween night. He had black hair," sayed Sharon.  
  
"Wow! Stan you had a twin with the same name, birthday, eye color, and hair color as me! Kick ass!" sayed Lily.  
  
"Lily you retard!" sayed Stan. "I think what they're TRYING to tell us is…that black goes good with any other color!"  
  
"Oh. I knew that. Totally known on my part. Yes it was," she sayed.  
  
"Lily. YOUR NAME IS LILY CATHERINE MARSH!" sayed Randy.  
  
"WHAT???????!!!!!!!!!!!" sayed both Lily and Stan.  
  
"But, Adam. I…Adam's my dad. I…I'm all confused." They explained the whole thing to them and Adam went to North Park to get her things. They were sent back to class and were supposed to say nothing about all of this…yeah right. They did hold it in until recess though. They kept looking at each other. They didn't tell until Kenny tickled Lily to death.  
  
"STOP TICKLING ME! KENNETH JAMES McCORMICK! QUIT IT!"  
  
"Then tell!"  
  
"FINE IF YOU'LL JUST STOP TICKLING ME!!!!" he stopped when she launched into a detailed story of that morning.  
  
"So you and Stan are twins. Sucks to be you!" sayed Cartman.  
  
"Now I have to live with the Marshes! Do Randy and Sharon let you do whatever you want? Like get totally shit-faced?" asked Lily.  
  
"Nope," Stan replied.  
  
"Adam let me! Do you call them mom and dad?"  
  
"No Lily, I call them Prick and Bitch! Course I call them mom and dad you fucking idiot," cried Stan.  
  
"If they think I'm calling them mom and dad they've got another thing coming! They're getting called Sharon and Randy. If I were you, Stan, I'd call them Sharon and Randy too,"  
  
she sayed.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"To show them whose boss. Them or you?"  
  
"Ah…them. They ARE adults,"  
  
"Pussy. When does school get out?"  
  
"When it does."  
  
"We have football practice after school!" sayed Kyle.  
  
"Yeah. Lily could tell us some of North Park's secrets so we can beat them! Dammit that rocks!" sayed Kenny.  
  
"NO! That would be mean! I do have friends in North Park! God I hate you Kenny!" she sayed.  
  
AT FOOTBALL PRACTICE  
  
The girls were watching the boys play football.  
  
"I want to play! Watching sucks!"  
  
"Sorry Lily! So, which one of them do you like?" asked Wendy.  
  
"Kyle. Definitely Kyle," sayed Bebe. "He has a sweet ass."  
  
"Stan. He's the best!" sayed Wendy. "Lily which one?"  
  
"None of them, barbaric pieces of shit! They can all kiss my ass…('cept one)"  
  
"'Cept which one?"  
  
"You weren't supposed to hear that!"  
  
"You should know by now of my exceptional hearing," sayed Bebe.  
  
"Who is it? Damien?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Cartman?"  
  
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she yelled very loudly.  
  
"What are you being raped?" asked one of the boys. "You're so loud and annoying!"  
  
"Fuck you!"  
  
"Kyle?"  
  
"No. I don't like Jews!"  
  
"Stan?"  
  
"Dude! Stan's my brother! Incest is bad. Very bad,"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Um…Pip?"  
  
"No fucking way! That would be sort of like dating Hanson."  
  
"Kenny?"  
  
"Ah…um…no! No it definitely is NOT Kenny!"  
  
"~cough~ bullshit ~cough~" sayed Bebe.  
  
"Yeah you're right. Oh shit. Don't tell anyone! If you so much as say anything about me to him I will, I swear on my life, I WILL kill you!"  
  
"About who Lily?" asked Kenny.  
  
"No one! Mind your own fucking business! Kenny! Watch out!"  
  
"OOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!" He had been hit with the football.  
  
"Oh you poor cute little bugger mind the game not ME!!" she sayed out loud accidentally.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing. Sorry. Pay attention retard! Oh God," she covered.  
  
CUT TO BOYS  
  
On their break they were talking amongst themselves.  
  
"So which cheerleader do you like?"  
  
"What the hell kind question is that? I hate you all! Ne ne ne ne! Especially girls and Kenny. Ne ne ne ne! I hate them the most!"  
  
"I like Wendy," sayed Stan.  
  
"Kyle pick one!"  
  
"Ah…I don't know!"  
  
"Pick one God damn you!"  
  
"Ahh…Bebe!!!" he sayed.  
  
"It sucks to be you!"  
  
"Kenny?"  
  
"No body. Not one…yeah…um…quit lookin' at me!"  
  
"Tell damn you!"  
  
"NO!!!" They go through every girl in the third grade. "No" Kenny sayed over and over again.  
  
"Wait a minute! It's…" sayed Stan.  
  
"Fine I'll admit it!" yelled Kenny.  
  
"Shut up Kenny!" yelled Lily.  
  
"I like Lily ok? Are you happy? If any of you tell her what I just said I will kill you! I swear on my life!" sayed Kenny in a loud whisper.  
  
"What you mean tell that you like Lily?" asked Cartman in a loud voice.  
  
"What? Who said my name?" asked Lily.  
  
"NOTHING!!!" yelled Kenny. "Dammit Cartman! Shut up!" When practice was over they all went to the locker rooms to change. In Lily's locker was a single red rose and a note.  
  
"What the hell is this?" The note said "Roses are red Violets are Black! Now go to hell and never come back!" "HEY!!!!!!!!! Why the hell would someone give me a rose and a nasty note? How mean!"  
  
CUT TO BOYS LOCKER ROOM  
  
In Kenny's locker was a tiger lily and a note that said "Roses are red Violets are blue God made me cool, what happened to you? Bitch you be trippin!"  
  
"What the fuck? What's with the lily…wait a minute!"  
  
"Lily likes Kenny! Pass it on!" Stan whispered to Damien. It went on until the word gets to Kenny.  
  
"What? No…um…she hates me! She made that kinda clear."  
  
CUT TO OUTSIDE WITH ALL OF THEM  
  
2 Cartman drew another picture in the ground  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"HEY!!!!"  
  
"You're all invited to my party!" sayed Wendy quickly changing the subject.  
  
"Cool!"  
  
AT WENDY'S PARTY  
  
"We're gonna play 7 minutes in heaven now! Cartman's gonna draw names!" sayed Wendy.  
  
"There's one new rule though, you HAVE to kiss." She went over to Cartman. "Now Cartman. Remember what I told you. No matter what the cards say, Lily and Kenny must go into the closet together!!!" she told him quietly.  
  
"Ok. I'm drawing names now! Stan, you're with Wendy." They went into the closet and came out after 7 minutes.  
  
"Kyle, you're with Bebe." They went into the closet and they both came out red-faced.  
  
"Kenny, you're with…"  
  
"No! No! Don't! No! Please! Not him! No!"  
  
"No! No! Don't! No! Please! Not her! No!"  
  
"You're with Lily!"  
  
"Dammit!" they both said. They went into the closet waited 'til 6 minutes were up and started to kiss. They came out.  
  
"I hate you Kenny! Maybe if I keep saying it, it'll be true! Oh fuck! That was gross!" sayed Lily.  
  
"I hate you Lily!" sayed Kenny. No words were spoken and no eye contact was made. Later they played spin the bottle. When Kenny spun it, it landed on…Lily.  
  
"Of course. Jesus," he kissed her on the cheek and sat down. "God I hate you Lily."  
  
When Lily spun it, it landed on Stan.  
  
"If I'm related to him do I have ta kiss'im?"  
  
"Yes. It's in the rules,"  
  
"Oh shit!" She walked up to him and gave him a BIG kiss on the cheek! They all laughed at Stan.  
  
"GO LILY!"  
  
"Your turn Stan!" He spun and it landed on Kyle.  
  
"Do I have to kiss him? He's a guy!"  
  
"Yes. It's in the rules,"  
  
"Oh fuck! Well, I quit,"  
  
"Stan you wuss! Just go over and give Kyle a kiss! See I'll do it for you!" Lily walked over and gave Kyle a kiss.  
  
"Ew! Sick! Here Kenny! You want your girlfriend back? Have 'er!"  
  
"I hate Lily! She ain't my girlfriend!"  
  
"When are you going to admit to everyone you have a fucking crush on Lily? God! Just open your mouth and say 'I like Lily!'" cried Stan. "Goddammit!"  
  
"Fine! I like Lily! There! Are you happy? God! Leave me the hell alone!"  
  
"You can't like me! No! There goes my plans for world domination!"  
  
"World domination? God you are one sick puppy!" sayed Kenny.  
  
"Are you calling me a dog? Fuck you!"  
  
"No…I…ah…never mind,"  
  
"What!? What goddamn you?"  
  
"NOTHING BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Yeah you really like me a lot! I can tell you fucking prick! Did one of them put you up to this just to piss me off?"  
  
"Ah…yeah?"  
  
"I knew it! I hate you and you hate me! God that sounds a lot like that devil-worshipper Barney!"  
  
"I think you both should stop living in these fantasies and admit you like each other!"  
  
"Ditto!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Kyle's right!"  
  
"Fine I like Kenny!"  
  
"And I like Lily!"  
  
"There!" they said simultaneously.  
  
"Then why aren't you dating like me and Stan?"  
  
"Because…I don't know!"  
  
"Because he never asked me! He was being an asshole!" cried Lily.  
  
"Alright then. You two are now going out!"  
  
"What? Why do you get to decide? We get to decide!"  
  
"Yeah! Lily you're going out with me!"  
  
"Um…ok!" Cheers from all.  
  
"Go Kenny!"  
  
"Sweet"  
  
"All right Kenny!"  
  
"Ohhh. Damn. I thought I was in the relationship too…"  
  
"Go Kenny!"  
  
"HEY!"  
  
"This is…odd."  
  
"NO!!! Don't you dare ever even think of marrying him Lily! That would make him my brother-in-law! That would blow goats!"  
  
"Shut up now Stan. You couldn't be any more gay if you tried!" sayed Lily. "God I hate you Stan."  
  
MEANWHILE GOD I HATE THAT WORD  
  
  
  
The Big Scary Man was up to no good…taking pictures for the New York Times about how they're treating people in nursing homes…eating a bowl of corn flakes…helping an old lady across the street…demising an evule plot to rule…the world. Da da daaaa.  
  
But, who the hell cares about all of that? Damn you! Damn the Big Scary Man! And damn someone that has nothing to do with the story!  
  
"Hey! Let's make a movie!" cried Cartman.  
  
"Yeah! That'd…about what fat ass?"  
  
"I'M NOT FAT GODDAMMIT I JUST EAT…A LOT!"  
  
"That would make you a fat ass dumbass…that's a little redundant isn't it," sayed Lily in her most annoying scientist's voice.  
  
"Shut up Lily!" sayed Kenny.  
  
"Don't tell me to shut up piss worm!"  
  
"What the hell's a piss worm?" asked Kenny.  
  
"You!"  
  
"What is this movie going to be about? I mean, we can't make a movie without a plot, or a love scene…" sayed Stan  
  
"Dibs!" cried Kenny.  
  
"Or a fight scene or a scene where the hero gets killed right after the love scene," sayed Lily.  
  
"Dude! You're going on again Lily!"  
  
"Dude! Kenny why do YOU want the love scene?"  
  
"No reason. No reason at all…"  
  
"~cough~ bull shit ~cough~" they all said at once…even Lily.  
  
"Dude! We should send Lily to speech therapy first!"  
  
"Why!? I can talk!"  
  
"No. Ya can't. See if we don't send you to speech therapy, you'll be the only one with a British accent…except Pip, but he's not allowed to talk in our movie. Let's go ask my mom how much a speech therapist costs!" sayed Kyle.  
  
"Fine! I'll go to the fucking speech the rapist!"  
  
"It's therapist!"  
  
"No it's the rapist" She spelled out therapist and the rapist on the ground.  
  
Therapist  
  
  
  
"See?"  
  
"Lily, dude, it's the exact same thing!" sayed Stan.  
  
"No. It isn't."  
  
"Yes. It is."  
  
"Like I said, no, it isn't"  
  
"Goddammit yes it is! Take the and rapist and put it together!" She drew it out on the ground.  
  
Therapist The + rapist = therapist  
  
"Yeah I guess you're right," They went to Kyle's house.  
  
"Mom, how much does a speech therapist cost? We want to send Lily to one so she can drop the accent," sayed Kyle.  
  
"Oh about 8,000 dollars."  
  
"What? Where the hell are we going to come up with 8,000 dollars?"  
  
"How much do you have in your pockets?"  
  
"Eight cents and a paper clip."  
  
"Twelve dollars…and one, two, three cents,"  
  
"Where the hell did you get twelve dollars Kenny?"  
  
"I can't spend it…it's my family's life savings, and it would be wrong! Not to mention they told me to keep it…"  
  
"I was beginning to wonder why you had your family's life savings…wait a minute…only twelve dollars? God! I didn't know you were that poor Kenny!"  
  
"What? You're poor? You didn't tell me that! You're supposed to at LEAST tell me that!" cried Lily.  
  
"Oh yeah…ah…Lily I'm poor!"  
  
"Oh. Thank you for telling me,"  
  
"God you're gay Lily!"  
  
"No I'm straight!" They got together about twenty-four cents…Kenny wouldn't let them have his twelve dollars.  
  
"Hey! Lily, maybe mom…"  
  
"Maybe Sharon what?"  
  
"Maybe mom would send you to speech therapy…I overheard her and Shelley talking and they both said they were annoyed with your accent…"  
  
"You did not you little liar! Shelley told me she likes me! Shelley said 'Lily the only reason I like you is because you're not Stan!'"  
  
"Is that the only reason?"  
  
"No…she said also because I'm her sister not her brother. All in all she hates you Stan. God it sucks to be you!"  
  
"Hey! I don't hate you!"  
  
"Yeah, but I hate you!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"You wouldn't understand…you're not a girl!"  
  
"What does that have to do with why you hate me? Wendy likes me! She's a girl!"  
  
"No. Wendy likes your ass, not you!" sayed Lily.  
  
"No. Wendy likes me!" sayed Stan.  
  
"No, I like your ass!" sayed Wendy.  
  
"Shut up Wendy!"  
  
SOMEWHERE ELSE IN SOUTH PARK  
  
"A famous speech therapist is coming to town from Boston…I think his name is Joe Garrison, I wonder if he's related to Mr. Garrison. This could be very good for me…er South Park."  
  
"Yes Mayor, it would be,"  
  
"We'll have a band everyone likes play a song, and we'll have a big party in that Joe guy's honor,"  
  
TIMES SQUARE IN BOSTON…Isn't that in New York? Aw who cares?  
  
"Do I really have to go with you Joe?" sayed Joe's wife Cindi.  
  
"Yes. I promised mom I'd visit Jake in South Park," sayed Joe  
  
"What state is that city in? I don't think I've ever heard of that…"  
  
"Colorado…it's a pissant little mountain town,"  
  
"Is there indoor plumbing?"  
  
"Yes I think so…" They hopped on the plane and headed to Colorado.  
  
IN THAT LITTLE PISSANT TOWN CALLED SOUTH PARK  
  
"He's almost here! Garrison went to pick him up!" When they got there everyone cheered. Joe went up to the mike and said,  
  
"Hey thanks, now, shut the fuck up! Now in honor of my cousin, I'll let one person he chooses have free speech therapy.  
  
"LILY MARSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" everyone screamed.  
  
"What?"  
  
"LILY MARSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" everyone screamed again.  
  
"Ok. Would Lily Marsh please step forward?" She stood still while everyone else stepped back…she REALLY didn't want speech therapy.  
  
AT MR. GARRISON'S HOUSE…A TEMPORARY OFFICE FOR JOE  
  
"Ok. Thank you Mr. Garrison,"  
  
"Please, call me Joe,"  
  
"Dude, how old are you? Do you know how old Mr. Garrison is?"  
  
"I'm 28 and he's 56," sayed Joe.  
  
"Dude. That is good. Whoa! He's 56? Damn he's old!"  
  
"Wait…you aren't one of his third graders are you?"  
  
"Yeah…I have the biggest mouth in the class," she sayed.  
  
"Look you should go before Jake finds out I just told you his age!"  
  
"Whose Jake?"  
  
"Your teacher."  
  
"Dude I'm telling the entire third grade how old he is, and what his name is too!"  
  
"I'm going to tape you talking to see if you're satisfied. Say 'Park the Car in Harvard Yard'" She sayed it and it was played back the way South Parkians talk, although really she had a Boston accent instead of a British one.  
  
"Thanks Joe, bye," she sayed and left. The boys were waiting outside.  
  
"Hey guys how's it goin'?"  
  
"Wow! You're talking normally!"  
  
"Of couse I'm talkin' nomal! What'd ya expect?" she said and her accent made her skip her R's.  
  
"Lily say 'park the car in Harvard Yard!'"  
  
"Pak the ca in havad yad! HEY!!! That bitch gave me a Boston accent! Fuck! You Bastad!"  
  
Laughing…more laughing…laughing some more…  
  
"Let's go talk to Chef and see if he can fix you…all's that guy does is give Boston accents out. Even if a Boston accent is better then that annoying British accent," sayed Kyle.  
  
"Dude! Shut up you little circumsized piece of shit!" sayed Lily. Kenny picked up a flower and gave it to Lily.  
  
"A tiga lily! How sweet! Thanks Kenny," Kyle gave her a pencil sharpener (I guess it's her birthday or something…)  
  
"Why in hell'd you give me a pencil shapena? You bastad!" Cartman said…  
  
"What's my full name?"  
  
"Eric Theodore (skip R) Catman." Stan gave her a pencil.  
  
"A pencil? God ya gay!"  
  
"I'm getting mom. I don't think she'll like what we did to you."  
  
"I don't think so eitha!" They enjoyed making fun of her.  
  
IN SCHOOL THE NEXT DAY  
  
Lily refused to talk  
  
"Lily I want you to make a speech on behalf of the entire third grade in front of the school board…I'm gonna get fired if you don't so make it good!" She just looked at him. "I have what you'll say all prepared. Here I'll read it." He unfolded what she was to say.  
  
"'In Mr. Garrison's class we learn all sorts of interesting things. We learn about South Park's History, our multiplication tables, how to read and write, and which episode of Charlie's Angels made the most money. Mr. Garrison's class is fun and entertaining. We enjoy being in Mr. Garrison's class. It'd suck ass if he weren't around.' Oh and Lily? If you don't do this, you'll fail."  
  
"Ok," she mumbled.  
  
ON RECESS  
  
"Kenny can I borrow your coat for that speech?"  
  
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????"  
  
"NO MEANS NO LILY!"  
  
"I'll cry."  
  
"NO!! Don't cry Lily…wait go ahead and cry…YOU CAN'T HAVE MY COAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"You son of a whore (skip R)!!!!!!!!" They laughed at her again. "In Mista Garrison's class we learn (skip R) all sots a innerestin' things. We learn about South Pak's History, oua multiplication tables, how to read and write, and which episode of Chalie's Angels made the most money. Mista Garrison's class is fun and entatainin'. We enjoy bein' in Mista Garrison's class. It'd suck ass if he weren't around," she sayed practicing.  
  
"Ah ha ha ha!!!!!!!! God you're accent is gay Lily!" sayed Cartman.  
  
"Quit picking on Lily Cartman!" yelled Kenny.  
  
"You shut the fuck up Catman!"  
  
"Quit callin' me Catman!"  
  
"Fine I'll call ya fat ass!"  
  
"I'M NOT FAT GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Yeah ya are!"  
  
"NO I'M NOT!!!!!!"  
  
BACK IN CLASS  
  
"Lily I want you to come up to the front of the class and practice in front of all of us," She shook her head. "Mmm mmm" she sayed.  
  
"LILLIAN CATHERINE MARSH GET YOUR GODDAMN ASS UP HERE!!!!!" yelled Mr. Garrison. She used sign language to get Kenny to read it. He shook his head so she flipped him off. She went up and wrote it on the board and then sat down again.  
  
"I SAID READ IT LILY!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"NNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she yelled, that at least came out normally minus the British accent.  
  
"I'm going to have to have Mr. Mackey call your mom and dad,"  
  
"FINE!! In Mista Garrison's class we learn (skip R) all sots a inneresting things. We learn about South Pak's History, oua multiplication tables, how to read and write, and which episode of Chalie's Angels made the most money. Mista Garrison's class is fun and entataining. We enjoy bein' in Mista Garrison's class. It'd suck ass if he weren't around," she sayed with a beet-red face. "There ya happy?"  
  
"Yes (tries not to laugh)."  
  
"Don't even say it! Don't ya dae even say it! I'll kill ya!" she yelled. The whole class was laughing.  
  
"Let me guess…you let my cousin do speech therapy on you."  
  
"Yeah Jake, ya 56-yea-old losa!!"  
  
"I am not 56! Let me guess…Joe told you that. I'm 45!"  
  
"Then he's not 28?"  
  
"No he's 38,"  
  
"That bastad! That son of a whoa!" Lily yelled. "Youa only foty-five?"  
  
"Yes. Unless someone else works on you…"  
  
"I lived in Boston fa 4 fuckin' yeas! Then I lived in England! I went to an English speech therapist where I got my English accent. I hated my Boston accent! Now I've got it back and I hate it! God!" she interrupted. "If I had lived here long enough, I would have eventually gotten a regula accent but, no foua cetain boys I know decided they hated my British accent and made me go to a Boston speech therapist and know I'm really pissed off! I mean, I was mad befoa, but now I'm really pissed off!"  
  
"Calm down!"  
  
"NO!! I won't calm down! I am so pissed off right now! Stan I hate ya! Catman I hate ya! Kyle I hate ya! And Kenny I especially hate ya! Wea not goin' out no moa!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"'Cause yer a bastad! I hate ya! I hate ya! I hate ya! Jesus Christ!" she yelled.  
  
"Fine!" sayed Kenny  
  
"Fine!" sayed Lily  
  
"Fine!" sayed Kenny  
  
"Fine!" sayed Lily  
  
"Fine!" sayed Kenny  
  
"Fine!" Lily sayed as she stormed out, slamming the door behind her. They all looked at Kenny. "Dude that was way uncool. Don't you know when NOT to yell at a girl?"  
  
"Fuck you! I'll go and talk to her," he sayed. They heard yelling all through the rest of the school day. They heard stuff like "You ditzy piece of shit!" "You pooa bastad! Go fuck yaself and oh, hea, have a can of food fa ya family!"  
  
"Two points for Lily," sayed Cartman.  
  
"Uh oh. Here it comes,"  
  
"Dammit Lily, you really shouldn't have said it!"  
  
"Why you blonde piece of dog shit eating, raging, cheerleading bitch! I've seen Canadians smarter then you! I've even seen Hispanic people smarter then you! You mother fucking dick sucking goddamn son of a bitching piece of shit cock sucking bastard! My grandmother's smarter then you and she's dead! Even Kyle's brother Ike is smarter then you! You are the dumbest fucking bitch I have ever seen in my fucking life. I mean, when you got your report card you showed it to us! Almost straight D's, one F fucked up your record. You piece of Boston shit! You mother fucking goat licking Britney Spears loving Hanson humping piece of shit piss worm! You PMSing bitch slapping pussy pounding trisexual tuetonic twat! You flat-chested purple-eyed freak! Stan's smarter then you!"  
  
"Hey I heard that!" yelled Stan.  
  
"Goddammit Cartman's smarter then you! You're so gay that you make Pip seem straight! You belly-bumping tub thumping, ass banging turd-burglaring goat fuck!!! Why the hell I even went out with you I have no fucking clue! You sicken me! You should be burned at the stake along side the Backstreet Boys! You're so dumb that a parked car ran you over! You look like you've been run over! You're nothing but a slut bucket! You're mom's…"  
  
"KENNY!!!! Watch what you're saying!" yelled Stan.  
  
"on the cover of crack whore magazine! She replaced Cartman's mom!"  
  
"Hey knock it the fuck off Kenny!" yelled Cartman.  
  
"For your daily nighttime pleasures you shove a frozen hot dog up your twat!!!! You cunt licking bitch! Your dad…"  
  
"KENNY QUIT TALKING ABOUT MY MOM AND DAD!"  
  
"Oh yeah…sorry Stan. You toilet water drinking boner-biting piece of rat crap! If Kyle gave you half the chance you would eat Mr. Hankey just like a 3-cent candy bar you mother fucking beached whale!"  
  
"You better quit yelling at me Kenny! I'll kill you! You poor son of a bitch!" she yelled at him.  
  
"You mother fucking cock sucking one-legged tree-hugging hippie prostitute bitch! You chair riding giddyuping mother fucking blood-sucking yuppie N'Syncer!!!!! You mother fucking piece of Jamaican crap! You have smoked yourself retarded!!!!!! You redneck hillbilly tractor driving sheep-herder! Adam Sandler sucks ass!" He yelled really really reeeeaaalllly loudly.  
  
"Ok that's about a million points for Kenny. A million to two." sayed Cartman. Lily was crying by now.  
  
"I'm never talking to you again Kenny James McCormick! You go to hell and you die! I hope you get hit by a truck! I'll hit you myself! Good bye!" she ran off. Kenny walked into the classroom with a level head. (deeeeeepppppppppppp breath)  
  
"Open mouth insert foot," sayed Kyle.  
  
"I didn't know you had it in you Kenny! I think I'm proud of you…but I don't know," sayed Cartman.  
  
"Detention for a month Kenny. Go to Mr. Mackey's office," sayed Mr. Garrison. "Stan go with him. Wendy go find Lily. Ready? Break!" Stan and Kenny went to Mr. Mackey's office. "Mmmkay thank you Stan mmmkay? Kenny I have already called your parents. The entire school heard your yelling. Even the fourth, fifth, and sixth graders. They're all proud of you but no one else is mmmkay?"  
  
"Dammit Kenny! Can't you go for one minute without causing trouble?" Kenny handed his mom the can of soup Lily gave him.  
  
"Thank you Kenny. But you still need to stop causing trouble…especially when your mom's in such a condition!" sayed Mr. McCormick.  
  
"Condition?" asked Kenny. "What condition?"  
  
"Didn't we tell you this morning boy? She's pregnant. She's gonna have another kid,"  
  
"WHAT??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
MEANWHILE…GOD  
  
"Lily? LILY!!!!! Where the fuck are you Lily?" called Wendy.  
  
"I'm right here!" she said holding the tiger lily and crying.  
  
"Dude he wouldn't of said any of that if you hadn't of called him poor. Hey! Your accent is gone!"  
  
"So's my boyfriend! SOB!!!!!" After she had calmed down enough she went back to the classroom with Wendy. Those five minutes of school were the worst. Kenny had dissed her 'til school was nearly over. That was one long swear word. When school was out she walked behind all of the boys. Stan dropped back to say stuff to her. AAAAAAAWWWWW!!!!!!!  
  
"You shouldn't have called him poor Lily. You shouldn't have."  
  
"Well he shouldn't have said all that stuff! I mean, Adam Sandler does not suck! I did get D's and F's but that I can't help, I hate school. School sucks donkey balls! Leave me alone Stan! I just want to be alone to think about…things,"  
  
"Ok. If you need someone to talk to, you know where I am," he sayed and went back up with the rest of the guys.  
  
"Hey Lily, you really got yelled at today!" yelled Damien passing by. "Kenny came up with some pretty true crap didn't he?"  
  
"Shut the fuck up son of the devil!" yelled Stan he came over and punched Damien in the mouth.  
  
"OW!" he yelled and ran off.  
  
"Stan! Why…that was mean you goat fucker!" Lily yelled at him.  
  
"Dude! Quit taking your mood swingyness out on me bitch!" he yelled at her.  
  
"Quit yelling at me!"  
  
"Hey you guys! Wait for me!" yelled Kenny. He passed right by Lily. "Cunt!" "Asshole!"  
  
"That was sweet today Kenny! I didn't know you had it in you!" sayed Cartman.  
  
"Dude how come you're late? I though you had detention for a month,"  
  
"I do. I skipped out of it,"  
  
"Oh. Well that explains it,"  
  
"Dude my mom's pregnant!" sayed Kenny.  
  
"WHAT??"  
  
"I said dude my mom's pregnant!" All of them completely forgot about Lily walking behind them. The Big Scary Man came up behind her. He put his hand around her mouth and taked her away. Her book bag was dropped in the process.  
  
"Let's go to my house, my mom bought Snacky Cakes!" sayed Cartman. So they all went and assumed Lily went home to talk to Sharon and Shelley about girl stuff. Stan went home a little later because his mom called.  
  
"I gotta go guys. C-ya," When he got home his mother was pissed.  
  
"Stan! Lily? Where the hell is Lily?"  
  
"I thought she came home! She's pissed at Kenny because he yelled at her for an hour today. I thought she came home to talk to you and Shelley about girl crap," sayed Stan. "Maybe she's at Wendy's,"  
  
"I'll call her mom."  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hello. Mrs. Testaburger? This is Sharon Marsh, is Lily at your house?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Ok sorry to bother you, bye."  
  
"Bye."  
  
"Nope. Oh well she's probably fine. If she's still not here in the morning I'll call the police,"  
  
"Ok. Can I call Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman?"  
  
"Go ahead. See if I care,"  
  
"Ok. Thanks!" He called Kyle.  
  
"Hi. Is Kyle there?"  
  
"Yeah hold on,"  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Kyle? It's Stan. Have you seen Lily? She's missing,"  
  
"You mean she didn't go right home?"  
  
"No dip shit! I'll talk to you later, I gotta call Cartman and go to Kenny's tomorrow,"  
  
"Ok. Bye."  
  
"Bye."  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Is Cartman…er Eric there?"  
  
"Yes hold on please." (In background) "Eric one of your little friends is calling!"  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Cartman? This is Stan. Have…"  
  
"Why the hell are you calling me Stan? I hate you!"  
  
"Shut up! Have you seen Lily? She's missing."  
  
"No. Never call me again hippie!"  
  
"Fuck you Cartman!"  
  
Click.  
  
"Mom! I'm going to Kenny's!"  
  
"Ok whatever."  
  
Knock knock.  
  
"Who the hell are you?"  
  
"I'm Stan…Kenny's friend,"  
  
"Oh. In that case you can come in. Kenny's out back,"  
  
"He doesn't own any stuffed animals does he?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Ok." He went around back and there was Kenny trying to chop some firewood.  
  
"Kenny?"  
  
"What? Let me guess Lily sent you to harass me! Get off my property!"  
  
"But!"  
  
"Get the fuck off my property!"  
  
"Dude have you seen…"  
  
"Dad get this guy away from me!"  
  
"Fuck you Kenny!" sayed his dad. "Take care of your own problems!"  
  
"Kenny. I have one question!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Have you seen Lily?"  
  
"No and if I'm lucky I won't ever again, but since I'm an unlucky bastard, that ain't gonna happen!"  
  
"Kenny! Pick some numbers!" sayed Kenny's dad.  
  
"11…um 10…um 8…um 4…um 1, 3 Lucky number 13!"  
  
"Ok. You keep chopping wood!" sayed Kenny's dad.  
  
"Dude Lily's gone! What's this whole story been about…oh my God, the Big Scary Man got Lily!"  
  
"WHAT?! I mean…so…What? How could he have gotten her? We have to save her!"  
  
"Jeez Kenny. And I thought Lily was having major mood swings!"  
  
They go alone to where the Big Scary Man kept them all the last time…Big Scary Men aren't very smart usually.  
  
"YOU LET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! GET ME OUT OF HERE! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! DUDE THIS BLOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"That's definitely Lily. I'd know that scream anywhere. Hey! She lost her accent!" sayed Kenny. "LILY? Shut the hell up!"  
  
"Kenny? Oh thank you God! Get me out of here! This guy is Big and Scary…hence his name!"  
  
"No duh! Sorry about today…I kinda lost control for an hour there,"  
  
"Yeah ya kinda did. I forgive you…for now…just don't piss me off anytime in the near future! Now get me out of here! I really hate this! He locked me up! He took my purse again, my hair is all ugly now, and I have no one to talk to and I'm going absolutely nuts!!"  
  
"Hold on and shut up! I'm trying to pick the damn lock!"  
  
"Oh,"  
  
Click.  
  
"Yes!" Kenny and Stan go in and Kenny picks the locks on her chains. They went home and Sharon was all like you should know better and junk.  
  
THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL  
  
"Kenny you skipped detention yesterday."  
  
"So? I was in shock with learning that my mom was pregnant and I had chores to do. I was chopping wood! That according to my dad is more important then school!"  
  
"Your mom's pregnant? You didn't tell me that! When you saved me…never mind I'm sick of yelling fights. Oh boy am I sick of being yelled at. He took my favorite comb…again. Every time I get a new favorite comb he steals it! God I hate him!"  
  
"Lily? I don't think anyone has any idea what you're talking about."  
  
"Oh,"  
  
"I know! I'll pretend I'm a Jamaican!" sayed Kyle.  
  
"No you can't be a Jamaican!"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"There are no Jews in Jamaica and they're all black and wear weird-ass shit!"  
  
"Oh. That's a pretty good reason,"  
  
"Why the hell do you want to pretend to be a Jamaican?"  
  
"I saw it on this really funny movie called 'Half-Baked.' It's about these pothead guys who are trying to bail they're friend Kenny out of jail for accidentally killing a horse by selling weed,"  
  
"Dude, I can't be in jail! I don't even smoke weed! Marijuana is bad mmmkay?"  
  
Laugh. Laugh. Laugh.  
  
"OHHH!!!!!! Who the hell cares you mother fucking Jew?! Jews are gay!" sayed Lily.  
  
"Jeez Lily, excuse me for living!"  
  
"NO! Here comes the broccoli airplane! Damn you! Damn broccoli and damn the Wrights Brothers!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"NEVER FUCKING MIND YOU PIECE OF RAT CRAP!!!!!!!!!!" she yelled.  
  
"Lily, calm down!"  
  
"Shut up you poor piece of shit!"  
  
"Hey! Not gonna get mad…not gonna get mad!"  
  
"I think we should put her in the loony bin, she's a bit fucked up right there!" sayed Stan.  
  
"YOU REDNECK HILLBILLY TRACTOR-DRIVING SHEEP-HERDER!!"  
  
"Dude! Calm down bitch!" sayed Cartman.  
  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU MOTHER FUCKING BEACHED WHALE! YOU ARE A FAT HYPOCRITE!!!!"  
  
"Screw you Lily, I'm going home!" sayed Kyle.  
  
"Yeah! Quit being a total bitch!" sayed Kenny.  
  
"Bye!" sayed Cartman.  
  
"See you at home bitch!" sayed Stan.  
  
"Fine! You all leave! See if I fucking care! I hate you all anyway!" She was really under alien control, not with an anal probe…that could get messy, but with a metal plate in her head acting like a receptor. These were pretty dumb aliens so when they get done with her, they'll leave her in whatever mood she's in and go on to new humans to amuse themselves with. Right.  
  
"Dude that was way more then her normal level of bitchiness!"  
  
"Yeah! Do you remember when Cartman was under alien control?"  
  
"I was not under alien control! It was all just a dream!"  
  
"Yeah! He was singing that gay song!"  
  
"Maybe she's under alien control…"  
  
"No dude! She didn't fart fire or anything like when Cartman had an anal probe!"  
  
"You shut the fuck up!"  
  
"Wait up you guys!" cried Lily. They did. "What the fuck was the point of leaving me alone in the woods? What kind of sick prank is that?"  
  
"Dude you were being a total bitch!" sayed Stan  
  
"I was not!" (Lily)  
  
"You were too!" (Stan)  
  
"Was not!" (Lily)  
  
"Were too!" (Stan)  
  
"NO I WASN'T!" (Lily)  
  
"Ok," (Stan)  
  
"It's been, one week since you've looked at me! Cocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry!" Three days since the living room, I realized it's all my fault…" Lily sang. But, Lily wasn't singing it was the Barenaked Ladies.  
  
"I see a little silohetto of a man scalamush, scalamush, will you do the fandango? Thunderbolts of lightning very, very, frightening me…" Lily sang. But, again it wasn't her it was Queen this time.  
  
"I'm sailing away, set an open course, for the virgin sea! Cause I've, got to be free! Free to face the life that's ahead of me!" Styx this time. Cartman, of course, finished the song in record time.  
  
"What the hell was that? She is under alien control!" sayed Stan.  
  
"Dude that's my line! She is under alien control!" sayed Kyle.  
  
"Shut up Kyle!"  
  
"Why the hell do you sound like all them weird-ass bands? Barenaked Ladies is a long way from Stix dude!"  
  
"Last night, I was looking out my window and this weird light was outside. It was really weird. The next thing I knew I was laying on a table and they were putting a metal thing in my head. Now I keep picking up radio stations and other things! This is squad car 34 come in base. We are now chasing a code 346. Over…"  
  
"What the hell was that?"  
  
"A police radio. They were chasing a robber."  
  
"How the hell do you know that? That's the second code 346 I've heard today and the first time the other guy had to say what it was!"  
  
"Can't you stop it?"  
  
"I dunno, I guess I'll ask Sharon about it,"  
  
"Whose Sharon?"  
  
"Stan's mom. MY mom,"  
  
"Oh. I knew that…why do you call her Sharon?"  
  
"Adam Sandler raised me, not her,"  
  
"Yeah but, Adam Sandler's a bitch."  
  
"So's Sharon!"  
  
"Don't hurt me!"  
  
"I'm not gonna!"  
  
"Oh, okay,"  
  
"Dammit Lily! Can't you go one minute without lying? My God!"  
  
"Your love is like a river peaceful and deep. Your soul is like a secret that I never could keep! When I look into your eyes I know that it's true! God must have spent a little more time on you on you on you on you on you on you on you on you on you on yououououou…"  
  
She sang with the exact voices of all five N'Syncers at the same time so Sharon knew something was up.  
  
"Can you get me a hat? It's gotta be one of those ones that Stan has, but only it's gotta be blue and purple,"  
  
"Oh sure! Why don't I just give you money and you can get it yourself? DON'T spend it on junk!"  
  
"Ok! Thanks Sharon!"  
  
"QUIT CALLING ME SHARON!!!!!!"  
  
"All right Sharon,"  
  
"Dammit Lily you're grounded! Stan go with your friends!"  
  
"Cool!" sayed Stan. "That's probably the first time she's actually told me to go out and play! A new record!"  
  
"Ok Sharon!"  
  
"GODDAMMIT LILY! YOU KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Dude! She swore!" sayed Stan.  
  
"GODDAMMIT SHARON! YOU KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!"  
  
"LILY YOU ARE NOW GROUNDED 'TIL YOU'RE THIRTY!!!!!!!!!!!! GO THE FUCK TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT IT!"  
  
"Nope,"  
  
"LILLIAN CATHERINE MARSH!"  
  
"SHARON…um…MARSH!"  
  
"RANDY GET THE FUCK IN HERE!"  
  
"What did I do wrong this time?"  
  
"Sharon needs to confer with you Randy," sayed Stan.  
  
"DAMMIT STANLEY! NOW YOU'RE BOTH GROUNDED 'TIL YOU'RE THIRTY!"  
  
"No. I will not stay in this house until I'm thirty. I am sick and tired of all your God damned rules! I know I know. 'Under my roof you will obey my rules!' Well you know you know 'Then I won't live under your roof!'" sayed Lily as calmly as she could possibly handle. "God I hate that routine! I'll go to my room, but if you come up later and find me there you will be very surprised! I will not stay here! I am eight goddamn years old! Dammit! Give me a little credit! I've lived with your crap for about two weeks! Respect! Give me some goddamn respect! R*E*S*P*E*C*T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell you what it means to me!"  
  
"Oh no you don't missy!"  
  
"MY NAME IS LILY GOD DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!! (Bitch)"  
  
"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????"  
  
"I called you a bitch. You know, a female dog. It's kind of like a slut, but in doggy style…" With that Sharon took Lily and Stan and took them to their rooms she went inside and locked the window and took the key and then locked the door behind them.  
  
"Ah jeez. This blows! I'm bustin' out! She can't talk to me like that! Or you!" Sounds of breaking glass, a couple of ows, and two kids busting out.  
  
"Randy did you hear something?"  
  
"Ah…no…no I didn't." In truth, he had heard it but like I said before, HDGARA! He don't give a rats ass!  
  
"Come on Stan! Let's run away!"  
  
"Let's visit my dog at Big Gay Al's! His name is Sparky,"  
  
"I've heard of that dog! Sparky of the enjoying other male dog clan! That was your dog?" She laughs.  
  
"Shut up Lily!"  
  
ON THE WAY TO BIG GAY AL'S…  
  
"God I hate Kenny! I hate him! Hate! KILL!!! FRESH MEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Calm down! Dude! You're hair is blonde!"  
  
"Dude! You're a retard! You only just noticed that?"  
  
"No…but, I just realized who you look like!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Never mind!"  
  
"You'd tell Randolph Scott!"  
  
"Randolph Scott. (Large Western town sings) Randolph Scott!!!!!!"  
  
"You look like Kenny's old girlfriend. He always goes for the blondes…we went to the rainforest once with this stupid touring choir group called Getting Gay with Kids and this girl, who you look like exactly, went out with him…after she saved his life. He was struck by a sudden bolt of lightning and she gave him mouth-to-mouth and said 'Breath you son of a bitch' and he woke up. They've been pen pals ever since…Kenny used to go and visit her…until he met you. So now, he's cheating on you with his ex, only to humiliate you!"  
  
"WHAT??????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Oh, she's coming to town next week…"  
  
"WHAT?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"It's true!"  
  
"I am so pissed…GOD DAMN YOU KENNY! I'LL KILL YOU WHEN I GET THE CHANCE! I HATE YOU! YOU'RE BLOOD ON MY HANDS I SWEAR TO RANDOLPH SCOTT AND BRIAN BOITANO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Never use the names of Randolph Scott and Brain Boitano lightly Lily! You know the consequences!"  
  
"No. Actually I don't,"  
  
"Sure you do!"  
  
"Nope,"  
  
"Well then…"  
  
"Well what?"  
  
"Death."  
  
"Oh. Please forget the earlier mentionings of Randolph Scott and Brian Boitano. I swear by Terrance and Phillip!"  
  
"Dude!" sayed Stan.  
  
"Dude!"  
  
"Dude! Do you even know what a dude is?"  
  
"Dude! Um…yeah…"  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"It's a wart at the end of a bull's dick!"  
  
"Dude! That's sick Lily!"  
  
"Yeah I know!"  
  
"Sparky!"  
  
"Dude!" Sparky of the enjoying other male dog clan came running up. As soon as he was with them the Big Scary Man came up behind them and da da daa taked them. Oh my God!  
  
"Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone?! This is the third goddamn time you've fucking kidnapped me! Lay off!"  
  
"No,"  
  
"Why!?"  
  
"Because I'm the Big Scary Man and I can do whatever I want!"  
  
"Fuck you the Big Scary Man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Fuck yourself, it's cheaper!!!!!"  
  
"Fuck off!"  
  
"Dude! Stan! Run! Save yourself!"  
  
"Ok!" So he runs off and leaves her alone with the Big Scary Man!  
  
"I WAS KIDDING YOU MOTHER FUCKIN' PIECE OF RAT CRAP! COME BACK HERE!!!!!!"  
  
"NO!!!" The Big Scary Man ran after him. Lily took that chance to run away. What a dumb Big Scary Man. 


End file.
